Expression!
by JadeTheCon
Summary: Just some short tales about humans, using human expressions, in front of nonhumans… Hehe... Rated T for minor language.
1. Expression!

**Expression!**

**Mass Effect Oneshot**

Just some short tales about humans, using human expressions, in front of non-humans… Hehe, it just sorda hit me when I was writing Bitter Reflections.

* * *

It was Ashley's day for kitchen duty. And, it goes without saying; soldiers Do Not make good cooks. "Fine, shoot me if you don't like it!" she shouted at Lt. Burrow, he was constantly telling the cooks off about their food.

Across the mess hall, Wrex pulled his gun out and pointed it at Ashley. She saw it, and put her hands in the air and ducked. "NOT LITTERALLY!" she howled.

"Damn...," Wrex muttered.

* * *

Shepard, Kaiden and Liara were on some uncharted world, looking for geth that had been reported in the area. This planet happened to be the closest to the solar-system's sun, and, was quite hot. The armor they were wearing wasn't helping any either.

Kaiden looked up at the planet's sun and sighed. "Damn, it's hot…"

Shepard glanced over at him and said, "Yeah, I know. I'm dying here…"

"Commander, we need to get you back to the Normandy immediately!" Liara proceeded to make barrier for Shepard to shield her from the elements.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Kaiden shouts at her, using his own biotic powers to pull the barrier down.

"The Commander told us she was burning up and possibly near death!" Liara argued back, putting the barrier back up. Of course, nobody noticed the geth slowly surrounding them…

* * *

"Dr. Saleon." Garrus addressed the crazy Salarian scientist standing in front of them. "I'd cut out your organs, but we don't have the time." He points his pistol at the doctor.

Shepard waves her hand for him to lower his gun. "Hold your horses, Garrus. Are you sure that's him?"

Garrus gives Shepard a funny look (well, as strange a look as a Turian can manage). "I am currently not in possession of any of that particular earth species, Commander. But yes, that is Dr. Saleon."

"You're all crazy!" the Salarian shouts.

* * *

"The Council is sending a message, should I patch them through?" Joker says over the intercom.

"Go ahead, Joker," Shepard says, moving to stand in front of the Council's holograms.

"Commander Shepard," the Asari councilwoman nods her head in respect. "We have some information, and, considering your interest in Saren, we wanted to inform you of it."

Shepard considers them for a second, and then, "Kay, hit me with it."

"Um…" the Asari rubs the back of her neck and glances at the Turian Councilman.

* * *

"Alright, Commander. The bomb is ready," Kaiden says to Shepard.

She nods her head. "Alright, I'm going to go get the Gunnery-Chief. Don't let that bomb blow until the fat lady sings, got it?" She squints at Kaiden.

"Yes'm," he says, and turns back to the nuke. Garrus clears his throat and glances at Wrex, who returns the same confused look.

"Um, what fat lady, Commander?"

* * *

Shepard sat in the secondary pilot seat as Joker explained some of the more difficult flight maneuvers to her. She couldn't fly and wouldn't risk trying it, but was interested in it none the less.

Tali walks onto the Bridge and asks the Commander something. She doesn't hear it, she's too interested in the pilot's description of a mercenary 'Green Machine' and how to avoid one in a meteor field.

"Commander!" the Quarian barks. Shepard's eyes shot up at the Engineers shout and apologized.

"Sorry, Tali, was a little tied up there…" the woman said, standing up.

Tali stared at the Commander, at her former seat, at the pilot and back at the Commander. "Excuse me, Commander, but you didn't appear to be bound to anything at the time." (A/N I know, one of the not-funnier ones, but I couldn't think of anything else…)

* * *

"Um, Commander?" Garrus asked, after fifteen minutes of pacing up and down the ExoGeni hallways. "I, um, think we're going the wrong way…"

"Who the hell died and made you Einstein?!" Shepard shouted although she knew he was right, but come on…

"Um…" Garrus began. "I, uh…" He shifted uncomfortably.

"Why don't you lead us out if you're so smart!" she commanded, and stood behind the Turian. He waited a second then walked ahead, turned left, went up some stairs, turned right and wala. There was the elevator to the skywalk they'd been looking for. "Show-off," the Commander muttered under her breath.

* * *

Alright, I really am thinking of other human phrases to use in here, but I can't think of any others! Please help! I'm trying to somehow fit in LMAO (thanks to Fiera Sabre for the idea) in here too, so don't think I've forgotten about this oneshot-thing; I haven't! Kay, please give me some ideas, these are really fun to write! -Jade, out! xD 


	2. Series Number Two!

Series Num. Two of Expression!

Hehe, yes, I got a ton of idioms and expressions from none other then the masterminds Chaos Githzerai, Ilada'Jefiv, balecka92 and an excellent idea from quicksilver2402004. I love you all! Mwuhaha! Let the laughs begin! Don't forget to review!

* * *

Commander Shepard had just become Spectre-Commander Shepard, and Saren had just been demoted from his Spectre status. "Alright Commander, Normandy's yours now. Treat her right. Humanity is watching you," Captain Anderson stated, the familiar gleam in his eyes dim. 

"As am I, Commander," Ambassador Udina said curtly. "Don't make my life any harder then it already is. I've got my eye on you," he continued and narrowed his eyes at the Commander. "Good bye and good luck."

The Ambassador walked away and waited for the Captain, who gave a small nod and soon followed after the diplomat. Once they disappeared down the C-sec elevator, Wrex and Garrus (who, to their credit, been patient through the whole exchange) started looking around wildly. As Shepard led them into the ship, they continued glancing around the surrounding area.

"Erm, what are you two doing? The Normandy isn't going to bite you, y'know…" and, at that statement, their eyes widened and they inched closer to the human. She raised her eyebrows and asked, "Really, what's up with you two?"

Garrus and Wrex exchanged a fleeting look, and then tilted their heads upward towards the ceiling. Shifting their eyes to and fro, they looked confused. Garrus scrunched his eyebrows together (well, sort of, he really doesn't have any) and calmly said, "The ceiling is up, Commander, not us. I don't believe human technology posses the intelligence to 'bite' and the Ambassador said he has his eye on you, Wrex and I are merely trying to locate it."

* * *

Kaiden's birthday was coming up, and while on Feros, Shepard had picked up a new pistol. It really was rather nice, and she got it for a cheap price from the Salarian merchant from the nearly destroyed colony. She had planned on giving it to him today, well, she still was, but a certain Asari had informed the Lt. of his present. Shepard was on her way down to the med-bay to have a nice chat with her. 

When she exited the elevator, Shepard immediately heard the voices of Kaiden and Tsoni. The Commander really had no tolerance of Asari, not since Sha'ira the Asari Consort… As she walked out from behind the wall, the Commander narrowed her eyes at the scientist. "You!" she yelled. "You let the cat of the bag, you! Argh!" she threw hands up in the air to exaggerate her point.

"Um, Commander, I have no idea what you are talking about… I don't even know what a cat _is_…" some scientist… (A/N yes, it's true, I hate, hate, hate(!) Asari, and it's all 'cuz of the 'Consort'…)

* * *

Oh, that… man, was getting on the Commander's last nerves. First, he lets Exogeni experiment on the colonists, then he runs and hides like a coward, next he tells a mother her daughter was dead and _now_ he was trying to tell Shepard _she_ was the idiot. Bad move. 

"I'm just so sorry, my heart bleeds buttermilk. I'm just beside myself with pity," she said, the obvious sarcasm dripping from her voice.

"You want to start something? Huh?!" Jeong tries to get in the woman's face, but she's having none of. She raises her pistol and shoots him in the chest, and he instantly collapses.

"As if we didn't have enough problems, now we're shooting each other in the back!" Lizabeth's mother cried.

"Actually, I think that was his chest…" Shepard says, standing over the body and admiring her handiwork.

Tali, who was standing next to her Commander the whole time says, "Erm, Commander… My name is pronounced Tali, not pity…" Shepard gives her a bewildered stare.

* * *

'Like a bat out of Hell.'  
'Let loose the dogs of war.'  
'Get off my back.'  
'Opening up a real can of worms.'  
'Death is always one step behind me.' 

'Falling out of my chair. '

'Go eat dirt. '

'Slept like a log. '

Those are the one's I still have to fit into a story or aren't up yet due to me being lazy or are still being edited… I'd do more but I've got to scram… Have fun! Hope you enjoyed, -Jade, out! xD


	3. Hiatus

Sorry about the delay and everything everybody... I feel really bad about not updating, but I've just had a lot of things on my mind latley, so... I'm putting all my stories on Hiatus until my life straightens out. Sorry, I know that I'm being mean, but, my family is just having some issues right now so, yeah. Sorry! I can answer PMs and everything, it's just my creative spirit is on vacation for the winter or something. Really, I'm sorry, I love to write, it's just right now... Have fun! Don't get into trouble and keep watching, I'll update sooner or later, promise! -Jade, out! xD 


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